May was a month full of changes, full of planning—a month of saying goodbye to some and reconnecting with others. As a result, this entry will be on the shorter side. Turns out there isn't a whole lot of time left for books and movies when you're trying to change your entire life.

Personal

The first half of May was spent packing and getting rid of things. I think very few things are as equally exciting and stressful as trying to fit your entire life into a carry-on and checked luggage. There were some items I would have loved to take with me; unfortunately, some were too heavy, some were too bulky. Some books, my weighted blanket, an extra pair of shoes, art supplies. In the end, I had to prioritize things I was going to need right away. The rest can always be acquired again. Or I can simply move on. "Poder decir adiós es crecer," as Cerati would say.

The second half was full of nostalgic feelings. One thought that has been present in my mind ever since is the fact that no one can know for certain when they are doing a certain thing for the last time, seeing someone one last time, visiting a place one last time. You can always plan, of course, but life doesn't care. I'm not good with goodbyes, so I decided it was better to live normally, without planning last visits or last goodbyes. It would have been too overwhelming for me. I believe in cases like these it's better to let life take its course without planning too much.

On my last day in Las Cruces, an owl came to see me, right outside the room where I used to sleep. I don't know if it was hurt or tired, but it stayed long enough for my family to come out and see it. Bad omen, good omen—either way, the timing was too crazy for a coincidence.

The border crossing itself was bittersweet. I was sad to leave my sister and mom behind, but overall I was excited to start this new stage of my life. I was lucky to have friends who made the journey with me. During the crossing, I was a bit nervous because I wasn't used to crossing the border and there was a lot of security. I felt relief and excitement first when I saw the Mexican flag, and then when we finally made it past the crossing. Almost immediately, I started seeing familiar vistas: Oxxos, Farmacias Similares, worn-down pavement. All those distinctly Mexican things I had missed, and I felt as if they were welcoming me back.

One thing I would like to immortalize in writing is that before taking my flight to Mexico City, I spent one night in Ciudad Juárez at a friend's house. When I woke up early in the morning, after my first night in México in so many years, I vividly remember waking up to the same bird sounds I used to wake up to in my childhood home. It was at that moment that my heart knew I had made the right decision.

I am aware the world I grew up in no longer exists, but the joys I grew up around are still here.

Sounds, flavors, smells. I am so happy to be back.

When I arrived in Mexico City, it was sprinkling, and after living in the desert for so long, it felt so nice to have rain again.

Books

No books were finished during May.

Music

In January, I started working on this playlist as a soundtrack for everything I was feeling, ending with my move to Mexico City in May. I included the link in my previous entry, but I think it's relevant to include it here as well. I also want to include this video of the live version of "Cucurrucucú Paloma" sung by Caetano Veloso in Rio de Janeiro in 1996. In my opinion, this is the best version of this iconic Mexican song. Thank you, Brazil.

Movies

I saw six movies during May, five of them for the first time. Out of all of them, I want to highlight Memoir of a Snail (2024), which is the first movie I saw back in Mexico and at the Cineteca Nacional. I can only describe it as the perfect movie I needed to see during this moment in my life. The film follows a protagonist who realizes that in order to grow, she has to let go of things that are keeping her in the past. There's a beautiful line that resonated deeply with me: "I've learned that the worst cages are the ones we create for ourselves. Your cage has never been locked but your fears have kept you trapped... Snails never go back over their trails, always moving forwards. Time for you to leave some glittering snail trails all over the world." It felt like perfect timing—exactly what I needed to hear.

Closing thoughts

Like I said in the beginning, there were a lot of difficult moments, and also a lot of joyous moments during May. Right now I'm just happy I get to experience everything, good or bad. I also successfully completed the first stage of my move: I got a Mexican phone number, opened my first Mexican bank account, and signed my first lease. This last part—having my own place for the first time—is what I will elaborate on in my next monthly entry, as June will be my first full month living alone. I would like to close with this poem by Roque Dalton García. Thank you for reading.